Summer reading - Wordless/Wordful Wednesday

I picked up a couple of books for the children yesterday. Andy got some Captain Underpants and Maia some Junie B. Jones books. I was going to grab Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing for Maia, but looked through the book & thought, maybe we'll go with something I know she'll read with ease, first. I know she can read well, but I didn't want to overload her...little did I know.

She likes to read aloud when I'm listening or when no one complains

Maybe I should have gone with some Judy Blume, instead. I'm a sucker for a bargain & the Junie books were buy 2 get one. I brought them home last night around 8:30 & Maia's done with all 3 books! I got the longest stories I could find. I think it took her about 2.5 hours to read all of them (she didn't just sit & read, it was spread out over the course of the day). She's 7. Yay for Maia & I am going to get her Judy Blume next time, for sure. I know she can handle them. I also want to pick up the first Harry Potter because that's the only one we no longer have. I don't know what happened to it, but it's missing. I know she'll enjoy those just as much as I did.

Enjoying a beautiful day out on the deck with a book.

I think she's my only solid "reader like me". I can get caught up in a series & finish them in no time. Just like I did with James Patterson's Women's Murder Club. Andy claims he doesn't like to read and Kyle thinks there are more important things to do besides read. Like play computer games or the PS3.

Mini-me (named for her mama cause she looks just like her) was kinda just wondering what we were doing. She's peekin'.

I just has to see what yous doin'.

Join up for Wordful/Wordless Wednesday!

The GALL of my gall bladder!

How could you do this to me? Is it so hard to intake so many refined sugars & fatty meats while not consuming the things that are truly good for you? Really!?! I am ashamed of you and hate you for causing intermittent pain because you so desperately need a good cleanse. And who gave you the right to get all diseased & unhealthy anyway? It is my body after all, you just live in it, neighbor of my liver!

That being said, yes, I've cause an internal issue for myself that may one day require surgery. I don't like surgery & I think, if I do things right, I may be able to avoid it. I've already decided that I needed to start eating better (decided - a long time ago. It's not working out so well.). I want to eat more food. Period. I typically don't eat much of anything except dinner. During the days before the DOT, I will get cravings for many things, none of which are good for me, or my gall bladder. If I do better my eating habits, then even indulging once a month shouldn't be all that bad.

I was reading a few articles online & now I want to know how to make beet juice. Beet juice with carrots & cucumbers because they help cleanse (& maybe even heal!) the gall bladder. I don't have a juicer, nor do I intend to buy one. Do you think I can use a blender & maybe just puree it? I also read that pears & pear juice are good for the gall bladder. Pears are my favorite fruit, so I can do that, too.

Had to go to the ER early Spring 2010 because the pain was so intense I almost couldn't walk and I had no idea what was causing it for 3 days. I was diagnosed with gall bladder disease & the ER doc told me that if I ever came to the ER again, with this same issue, he wouldn't wait. He'd just send me in for surgery. He prescribed vicodin for pain management. I didn't even pick up the prescription for almost 6 months because it took my gall bladder that long to get pissed at me again. & I can tell you, I HATE, HATE taking vicodin. It does take mere minutes to get rid of debilitating pain, but the feeling I get, the queasy, weavy feeling? Can't stand it for those feelings & it makes me a complete bitch. No one can talk to me without a full on bitch blast. I hate being that way, too. It also takes me at least 2 days to recover from taking one pill. I get lazy, sleepy & just don't want to do anything.

The last 2 mornings I woke to this lovely pain. It takes me out! Nsaids (so, sue me or tell me that I'm doing more harm to my body) worked this morning. It took about 2 hours, but the pain is severely dulled. I can function. I am going to go shopping for fresh beets, carrots, pears & a couple of cucumbers. I need to start now because I don't think I can take much more of this.

Not on Saturday

Typically, I don't post on Saturdays. Not because I am way too busy, just because I don't. I don't have an excuse or explanation other than that.

Since I'm back to blogging, I figured Why not?

The band-aid is firmly in place & we are okay. As usual. I have been considering (really, after 17 years? This should have been in place ages ago, but we forget...) date night. A regular date night with my husband. I think it will be good for us because we don't talk enough about things of substance. Baseball has substance, okay, I get it, but why is it the only topic it seems we can really connect with? Or Football in the fall?

I hope that a few of you may have some ideas. We are on opposite sides when it comes to interests. Maybe a better way to put it, he has a sports side when it comes to interest - that's all. I remember hearing, long before I had interest in relationships or marriage, about how so many men are only sports oriented. As I got older, I didn't believe it. Now, I do. I want to be able to go out to a nice restaurant, but he's picky & doesn't like to try new food. I want to be able to go to a movie & we have gone to movies, but he doesn't like to because it makes him soooo sleepy! I wouldn't mind going to a concert, but he doesn't like live music. I wouldn't mind going to a local place & listening to open mic night music, but he says they all suck. I wouldn't mind going to a comedy club, but he says he hates live comedy. And here's a kick, while I love going to live sporting events, he hates it. He'd rather be in the comfort of his man cave watching all (yes ALL!) the action on his 65" LCD HD. "Honey, it's like being at all the games!" I wouldn't mind going to local theater & seeing a production, but you get the gist of it. I wouldn't mind taking a long drive in the country, armed with my camera. That would give us a lot of time to talk, right? Yeah, you know.

Once in a while, we'll go out with this one couple we enjoy spending time with. Those times we go out to the bar. In my mind, that doesn't qualify a date night.

So what do we do? Can anyone offer any other suggestions for a date night or do I need to hog tie him, throw him in the trunk & drag him somewhere?

For my old buddy Michelle (I re-read it & it is quite corny):

From 9-15-93 (before we were married - I think this was when he went to NY with a friend of his)

This house is so lonely
Without you here.
This bed is so empty
When you're not near.
My heart is just aching
For your return.
My mind is just crazy
And filled with concern.
I miss you so much
You know how I do,
Because I am such
A fool for you.
Don't carry on down
The road too long,
Because here next to me
Is where you belong.
You've taken my heart
Along for the ride,
And I'm keeping yours
Right here by my side.
I know you'll be home
In just a short while,
But til then I'll miss you
For every mile.

Not a real poem, as real poetry is so much better. I . am. so. embarrassed. I was only 22, so there.

The first post for Friday Fragments

My very first Friday Fragments. I know I'll get better at keeping track of the things I want to mention on Fridays. Usually, I have lots of random in my head throughout the week.

I sent out 60 invites for a party! Yeah! (if we calculate 25% of them show up, I may just see 15 people at the demo!) I don't want to get my hopes up, but I think it will be there & a few more. Could mean a fabulous turn out, which I so desperately need!!

I found a very old poem I wrote this week. From 1993. Cute, but kind of corny. If anyone wants me to share it, just ask. ;)

My children are amazing me! I think the Dewd is really starting to get it. I've seen his behavior improve by leaps & bounds over the last month. He seems to be responding well to my "no nonsense" attitude. Who knew consistency would work...

We need to shave Porkchop again. He looks so cute when he's groomed with his lion tail.

I don't feel today like I did yesterday. Why is it I equate music to situations? I found a couple more songs I could've thrown up here to express what was in my head.

Thanks, Mrs. 4s (or 4444)!!

What it's all about

Many people say they started blogging & continue to do so in order to keep their sanity. It's therapeutic. I wholeheartedly agree, to a degree. I like being able to come here & express myself & issues with the kids & how they can really drive me nuts! That part is absolutely therapeutic, especially when someone comes along with a bit of their own experiences and then I feel like I'm not the only one.

The last few days have been a kind of hell here. & no, it's not the kids. In fact, since Summer break began, they have really been doing so much better than I expected & this year I forgot to state all the rules. I guess they just remembered. So, a huge thanks go out to them for being my wonderful, fabulous, ever loving brood!

What I don't see a lot of in this community is truth about the marriage. Maybe I haven't explored enough or gotten back into reading enough. I guess we're so into just dealing with everything else, we want to portray that the marriage is all good. (I'm thinking I have a lot more reading to do, but still) I feel the NEED to vent something. & I can do it without putting everything out there. (If any of you were around a few years ago, there was one blogger that had a huge following, but she did let the personal get way too personal. We found out things about her that we really should never have known.)

So, my time to vent.

When is it too much? I mean, we've been married for 17 years (almost) and, really almost all of it has been pretty darn good. It's those times when I decide complacency isn't enough. When I feel like I'm doing everything & nothing at all. I am certain some of this is me. I would be stupid to think it wasn't. It's going over the same issues time & again & never really resolving them. We get to a point where agreeing to disagree will work, for now. It's not going to. I need resolution. I need to feel like the right things were said & we can be truly happy, like I feel we are most of the time. Except, without resolution - how is it that we are truly happy? A catch 22.

& how, when we fight, argue or disagree is all of it my fault? Then I suggest it's conformity you need, well, sorry, marriage isn't about conforming to the ways of the spouse. It's about compromise (and we've both done that - tons & in many ways), it's about support (and we've both supported each other with many things - I just feel like the support I get is limited to financial, not emotional), it's about kindness & appreciation (while we both strive to appreciate, it seems it's lacking in some areas). In most other parts of the marriage, things are almost always awesome - it's just this one area that seems like it shouldn't be as significant a deal breaker as it is with him. It's so stupid, too!!! There are a couple other rough spots, but this one is the frequent thing.

Why is it so hard to come to a resolution? Grrrr! This is how I feel right now. This is how I've been feeling for the last few days. And this is one of those times where I imagine escape. See, it's not the kids that make me want to run away. They could never build this much frustration in me. Maybe they could, but they don't.

A song that reflects what I feel (and I probably won't feel this way tomorrow, just sayin'):



(Not that I want to say goodbye to him, I love him incredibly, it's the turning of the tables I don't need every time we argue, and the silent treatment)

Writer's Workshop

Europe

Okay, Europe is not a country. I find it very difficult to pick just one country there. I was watching a movie last night & thinking that I should be living in London. Or somewhere in the English countryside. Of course, movies depict the landscapes of other countries beautifully. I don't think the editing makes the places look better, I believe that's how they look in the location the movie is shot. Location, location, location, right?


All of these countries are just a stones throw from one another - how is that not awesome? My brother has been to Europe a couple of times & he said they are so close together it's almost like driving from town to town in any state in the US. I'm sure that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I get what he's saying. If I had to choose a place to begin my journey - I would choose Italy.

The Boot

Most of Europe has a ton of places to visit in each country, landmarks, historical attractions, dining experiences, etc. Something about Italy, though, just makes me want to go there & soak up the culture, the scenery, the absolute beauty of the place. The wonders to see, too!! The Roman Colosseum - wow - I want to go there & feel the brutal history of that place. I imagine the spirits of it still angry & full of fight. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.


And Venice!! The water canals of streets, the amazing architecture that is centuries old! The romantic fountains and colorful shorelines, and I'm sure there are several rustic cafes all over every city in Italy; oh and who can forget the Tuscan Countryside.





If I ever make it to Europe, I hope I have at least a year to do everything I want to do there and that may not even be enough time. Maybe in another life? Maybe before I die...I will know when it happens.

This is my project for Mama Kat's

Writer's Workshop

My Show Off

I don't use any kind of super camera. It's just an old(er) Olympus SP-510. I want something more, an SLR - Not sure if I'd go with Canon or Nikon. In my mind an SLR means "do something with it" more than just taking pics of things I want to. Make more out of it than a mom taking pics of the kids. I don't think I have that kind of eye, I just think I get lucky sometimes.

I don't even know how to use my camera to it's greatest abilities. I am fully unaware of all of it's features. Even so, I have some favorite pics I've taken using it. This photo wasn't even taken by me. (I just re-read the guidelines & I hope no one minds, it isn't me, but he learned from me - can that count? next week, I'll do it right.) It was taken by my 16 year old son, when he was 15. He got lucky, too. Kyle placed a ball cap on our cat Porkchop's head. We all know how much cats love hats & how long they allow the hat to cover them, right? Lucky, but a brilliant photo. He doesn't even looked pissed, like he did right after the hat came off.

There was no editing done to this photo except to resize it.


Awesome shot, Kyle! You've taken so many pics of Fatty (a nickname for Porkchop) but I think this one is the best! He's an uber photogenic kitteh!

I am participating for the first time in My Show Off! Check it out -

SYTYCD

After watching for the last couple of weeks, I can say with great certainty that I don't want to see anyone go because they are so absolutely talented!!

Standouts for me - Melanie, Tadd, Mitchell, Clarice, Caitlynn, Alexander, Sasha & Jess.

I am a fan of - Jess, Tadd, Melanie, Sasha, Clarice & Caitlynn. Jess is my favorite boy. I think because he feels like an underdog. He's a shorty, but his skills are incredible! Melanie hooked from her first audition routine. She is just awesome! Tadd is proving that being a b-boy isn't all he is. Sasha has also been a standout from the beginning. After watching the other 2 girls, Caitlynn & Clarice, I am awed by their talent, too.

I am annoyed by - Jordan. Ryan, Robert, & Miranda. Ryan irks me with her weird facial expressions & last week she smiled way to much for a routine that was supposed to be touching, and kinda a sad thing. This week she had too many "wah wah" moments. You know, the mouth WAAAAHS open hard & then goes into a fishy lips kinda deal. Just weird. Robert's Woo-woo was annoying, but this week he did do a great job, but it was his style, even if he's free style. Miranda, well, she has confidence in her dance, but it seems she kinda lacks that in herself. Jordan, while she is a superb dancer, there's just something about her that rubs me the wrong way. I do give them all kudos for mad talent!

This is my "routine of the week" from the competition show:



It's a NappyTabs hip hop routine. They wanted the dancers to portray a couple that has been separated by war. The husband (Alexander) is coming home & the wife (Sasha) doesn't see him at first. Sasha does an excellent job of pushing the anguish out in the beginning and the joy, disbelief, love & everything else comes out of both of them when they get together. It's a gorgeous number!!

Everything this week was awesome, no one disappointed me. Wadi was a little stiff in his cha-cha, but I give him major props for doing what he did. Jean Luc (the choreographer) said that it was the most difficult routine he's ever choreographed for the show.

Wordful Wednesday

I don't think I could ever participate in Wordless Wednesday because I talk too much.

Last Saturday, I took my 2 youngest to see a soapbox derby. I didn't even know we had one around here til last year. I went with my good friend Jill & her youngest son participated. Both of her sons have been doing it for years, but her oldest has (kind of) grown out of it. Next year, my kids will be a part of it all.

Here they are after watching most of it :



I have to throw this one in - Andewd was watching my friend's son race & rooting him on - the end result was a win & an awesome reaction from the Dewd.


We had a good time, but they were both really bummed that they weren't doing it.

I'm adding a few more pics....didn't know if I should or not, but there is more to see - just a few of the racers in their cars.

This style car is for the early years kids. I think 7-10 year olds. The first year drivers are only allowed name & sponsor stencils, otherwise the cars are just white.


These cars are for the age group 11-13 (I think, maybe even to 14).



These are the older kids cars. They almost lie down in them & we can barely see their eyes. Looks so awesome!

Join Seven Clown Circus for Wordful Wednesday!

&

Fridge Smart

If you don't know about this, you need to! On sale this month!!



I talk about Fridge Smart all the time! Since February this year, I've saved so much on produce it isn't even funny! I'm not just saying this, it's been proven to me. I am the one that never really believes what the product marketers tell me until I do it myself. I keep leaf lettuce in my fridge for over 3 weeks. Yeah, it's still edible & crisp! Strawberries have lasted more than 3 weeks for me, too - no mold, no mush!

I think I am going to video my experiences with this. We have a shopping day coming up. I will put it to the test for you. In my opinion, this set is a MUST HAVE for everyone! The average American family wastes over $600 annually throwing away their nasty, moldy, slimy produce. This product will, virtually, eliminate that.

Dreaming

I don't often remember my dreams. It seems I dream more when I sleep little. If I take an afternoon nap, then I wake with a bit of scenery in my mind.

This morning, I woke up to massive claps of thunder shaking my house. The power going out & everything beeping in the short instant it came back on. The kids followed suit, waking from the thunder. The big kid told me that one bolt of lightning was so close he could see sparks emanating from it. The thunder that followed was deafening and rumbled all of us.

Very early this morning, the sky awoke pink, well, more than the sky - the air in between was tinted pink. I kinda had the feeling the weather would be hard today. Before I went to bed, it looked a little orange out there. When the storm woke us, it was green outside. That scary greenish hue that makes one think tornado! There was none here, good thing. I did have a very hard time going back to sleep.

Then, when I woke up, I was feeling the dream. It was Helen. & it's odd - I've heard people speak of some dreams being visits. I think this may have been & I'm wishing I could remember more of it. I felt like it was just her being Helen. We were talking & she was laughing and I was laughing & it was comfortable, nice. Maybe it was the last conversation we never got to have. It was good.

Perusing blogs and other pertinent talk

I have a lot to say tonight. If you read, I am grateful, if you don't, that's your prerogative and I don't mind. When I originally started blogging (back in November of 2007), and I can't remember how I started - just that I did because I wanted to write. The whole purpose of it was to hone my writing skills. Initially, I wanted to remain kind of anonymous. My first post is raw & not all that pretty. It's maybe most indicative of who I was at the time & who I, kinda, still am. I'm more guarded, now, I've censored myself a bit. Social Media guarded and censored. I name my children, now, & didn't do that in the beginning. They were the numbers that signified their ages at the time. Hard to believe 3 is 7, 6 is 10 and 13 is almost 17. Time flies.

I like going back & reading because it helps me remember who I am. Sometimes I need reminding because I lose myself in pleasing others. I lose myself in trying to be correct. I see other bloggers writing & some of it is raw - those are my favorite blogs to read. Some of it feels flaky, or too unreal. Not made up, but life experiences expounded upon (this is what I do and sometimes I think I'm boring & talk too much) extensively. & maybe that isn't what it is at all. Maybe those bloggers just have a harder time expressing, in this blogging forum, exactly what they are feeling. This is simply my perspective.

We all have our own perspective. I may see things one way & you another. That's OKAY! It doesn't make me wrong & you right, or me right & you wrong. It just is, simply, the way we view it.

I've met several people here in the blogging community. I used to have some blogging places that I could always go to for some charm, some laughter, some tears, more laughs w/honesty & fun or just to be smacked back into reality. When I stopped blogging for more than a year, I lost most of those friends & have come back to find that many of them are gone & some are still here. Since I haven't blogged in forever, those who were keeping up with me, don't know I'm back (or don't care...;) ). Yeah, I think I'm back for good, but me being the inconsistent terd that I am, I may drop out from time to time. Never again for longer than a year, but once in a while - I can't promise I won't.

Oh yeah, some of those bloggers moved over to Wordpress. What's the deal with that?

The first blog I started reading regularly was Candid Carrie's. I don't think she's blogging any longer, but she was a great read! She had me laughing often and she started this meme (before it was called a meme) called Friday's Foto Finish Fiesta. We all shared a photo that we took during the week (or from another occasion). That was how and when I realized bloggers were a community.

As I'm going to visit different blogs, I see SITS everywhere. Bloggy Boot camp, wow. How far it has all come. I remember reading Tiffany's blog before SITS was born, Heather's, too. Heather isn't doing it any longer, not sure why. I remember stumbling across the early workings of the new SITS blog. It was empty, still an idea trying to work itself into action. Then it became something pretty big, right out of the gate. & back then, I felt it was almost clique like. If you were a blogger & you wanted to be read, you participated. So I did. Not long because it felt like I was trying to get approval, not so much that I was trying to get support. High school was not fun for me partly because of the cliques and this felt like that. "Hey, like me, comment on my posts, tell me I'm great..." and that feels so hypocritical of me because I LOVE getting comments. It just seemed I wasn't getting...enough. I wasn't popular enough. Maybe I just suck at writing & I'm too long winded. I can't say I really know why I felt this way, I just know I did.

Then MamaKat started the writer's workshop and I LOVED that! I have gone back to it because it makes me write about things I don't always find easy to write about. It's good practice. I think I had better skills back then & they are kind of dehydrated right now, but I enjoy it. Slowly the water is seeping into the keyboard & filling the fingers with it's dew.

I found Friday Fragments at Mrs. 4s. I have yet to participate, but I know I will. Many of my ramblings are fragmented. Just like it all goes on in my head. I started to post one this past Friday, but I had plans to go to a benefit. The fragments turned more into a tribute to someone I didn't even really know. I will share that in this post, later. The benefit was for Samantha Uphold.

I am devoted, again, to my blog. I am devoted to being a Tupperware Consultant (party on the 30th - hopefully, extending a network). I want to be devoted to making my jewelry cause I have some ideas that I need to get out of my head. Those things are about me, for me. I am always and have always been devoted to family. It was just balancing family with everything else.

Here's what came from Friday -

Our school lost a brilliant teacher this week. She began her career at our school when my 16 year old was in 5th grade, then her name was Ms. Vanamin. He had her for a few lessons in the school year throughout the year. She was just beginning & the 5th graders were prepping for middle school, so they switched back & forth for a few classes. She was barely 30, this year. She was an amazing photographer, especially when it came to children.

She developed Hodgkins Lymphoma sometime last year. The school did a fundraiser during the year & called it "Links of Love". I was there when she came through to see it, volunteering for my daughter's classroom (they had a big assembly to present everything, but I didn't attend it). It took everything I had not to cry walking through the halls, watching her view it all. The links were strewn throughout the elementary building hallways. The kids (in this very small school) raised over $2400. I couldn't talk to her, I could barely look at her because I just felt so bad for her. I would have blubbered, had I spoken to her. I can be that emotional.

I am not a beacon of the community, so I am not very privy to all the info. I heard that she was put into a medical induced coma around 5 weeks ago, I wasn't sure why & I'm still not sure why. I do know from reading her blog (that is her first post, click home to read her last), that a year to the date of her diagnosis, she was in remission. She was awaiting a stem cell transplant. She passed while in the coma. She has a fundraiser tonight at a local coffee house. That's what my girls & I are doing this evening. Rest in Peace, Samantha Uphold. I know your students loved you. You will be greatly missed. You are an amazing person with a wonderful soul that will live on forever.


* Carrie is still around! Yay!!!

Things I do

So, when "The Kennedys" aired on Reelz channel, I was entranced by the portrayal of Bobby Kennedy by Barry Pepper. I'm an indiscriminate watcher of any kind of movie, not a critic. I enjoyed all of the performances by the cast. I was a little leery of Katie Holmes (ew...) as Jackie , but she actually pulled it off pretty convincingly. I was a bit annoyed by her accent, at first. But Barry Pepper was, by far, the most amazing in his portrayal.

Anyhoooooo, I was lured into checking out the tv drama "Brothers & Sisters" from the beginning. It was never a show I was really interested in checking out, but I was enticed by the preview. Who doesn't love Sally Field? So I became entwined in the family after a couple of weeks. I got better instant gratis because the show aired Monday thru Friday in syndication. By the third weekend, I was feeling a little deprived the days I didn't get an episode. I turned to Netflix. What an amazing series & I caught it just in time to see it end. I'm all hurt now. :( I understand the actors needs to move on, but I will miss the amazing cast of characters. They felt like a real family with real issues. Not some BS "normal" family from Normaltown USA.

This season of SYTYCD is going to be Ah - MAZING! The dancers are the best I've seen & they are adapting to other styles like no one in any other season. I'm stoked. I haven't had a routine nuke me, yet, but when I do, I'll post a link to a vid (if I can). The choreographers are inspired by the pure talent of the dancers, so both are forced to put out their absolute best.

A big ole Happy Birthday to both of my brothers this month. Luke on the 7th & Jay, today the 16th. Wish we could hang out & celebrate. Oregon, Nebraska & Indiana - we're just too far away. :(

My one and only Summer Camp

3.) Share a Summer Camp memory.

I honestly don't remember how old I was. I want to say I was 11, or maybe 12, but I think 11. We were still living on 56th place. We moved to 83rd Dr the summer before I turned 13.

We'd never been to a summer camp before. My older brother & I were made to do this. My parents thought it would be a good idea to keep us busy during at least one of the summer months. I dreaded it - absolutely, categorically dreaded it. I did not want to get up early in the morning. I did not want to be bossed around by people I didn't know. I did not want to be told what I had to do all day long. To me, it felt like I was going to outdoor school. No more school - that's why it's called summer "break".

I remember being dropped off the first morning to be picked up by the bus and wanting to cry. I was so pissed! I can imagine the sour look on my face, standing there in stupid 80s shorts & tube socks up to my knees with colored stripes on them.

I want to be able to relay the many fun things we did in our Summer Camp. I can't do that because I don't remember most of it. I remember the Adams county fairgrounds & the "rocket" we got to play on; and the drive that felt like a near lifetime it took to get there on the hot, steamy bus. I remember Rotella Park before I knew it was Rotella Park. (83rd Dr. was close to Rotella Park & that place holds many a memory for me once we moved there).

I remember the warm, soggy sandwiches & the banana tasting oreos or chips ahoy from being in the same box/bag with the banana. Sometimes even the sandwich tasted like banana. I remember water that was never cold enough & koolaid that was watered down by ice that melted too fast.

I remember the first girl I ever knew that shared my name. Alexis. Everyone called her Alex & I remember wishing that I could be called Alex. If people call me that now, I cringe. I just don't find it as appealing as I once did, but it's also because I am Lex or Lexie (only by old family & friends, no peers call me Lexie - not too fond of it as an adult).

I remember the smells of the fresh mowed grass and the fishy smell of the sprinkler systems at most of the parks we went to. I remember my first real kiss with a tall dark haired boy. No, I don't remember his name. I do remember how he looked. Dark, almost black hair cut in the short "bowl" haircut of the time. He was older than I was. He was a head & shoulders taller than I was. He wore a white t-shirt and blue jeans. There was a group of us & we were playing games we shouldn't have been playing (so much for supervision...) like Truth or Dare and Spin the Bottle - in the middle of a hot afternoon. We were in some kind of tent. Out of the view of most everyone. I don't remember what prompted the kiss, I just remember the kiss. His lips were soft & dry. I felt something in my gut stir & spread up though my shoulders and my head felt light, the stirring swept down my arms & my legs. It was so blissful & then his lips parted. I felt something warm & moist glide over my own lips. I was stunned, but shockingly amused. I giggled & it was done. I looked at his face, smiling & he smiled back. It was like he knew my secret - that was my first real kiss.

This was near the end of our time at camp & it was a day camp. They didn't have anything planned for us besides hanging out at the park. I'm thinking the tent was for shade. As I'm typing this, I think this may have been the very last day of camp. What a memory to take away from it. I'm smiling on the inside. ;)

Is time an illusion?

Sheesh! I think it may very well be. It doesn't feel like it's been 7 days since I last posted, yet here we are 7 days later. I suck at consistency.

Insomnia. I've always considered myself a night owl. I like staying up late. This past year, though, it has been insane!! The last few months of the school year, I was resorting to staying up all night (for real!) and taking a nap after the kids were safe at school. The kids are out now & I can't do that, so much. I can sleep in a little, get up, nap a little & then dinner, kids stuff, TW demos, whatev. It feels like I'm losing my mind.

Yet, every night (even after a glass of wine & a half) I lie down in bed, tired as all hell and my mind will. not. shut. down. It's like the energizer brain. It keeps going & going & going...and it's LATE! I tried to rest my head at 3:45 in the am. I was up at 11, after settling down at 5:30am. How do I shut it down? I just want normal sleep.

I have tried to stay up all night & day, several times. I usually can't make it cause I'm not 16 anymore. BUT - the nap I take on the days I try is maybe 2 hours. You'd think that I'd be so wiped out, I couldn't stay up late at all. & I don't, then I wake up after a couple of hours & wham-o - I can't go back to sleep. Hate it! Hate it! Hate it!

Field day was cancelled because of torrential down pours. They spent the day inside the school just saying their good byes. My speech was fruitless. I told them winning wasn't everything, but knowing that you gave it all you had is! I'll try again next year.

I was at an all important business meeting tonight (well, really, a demo from a master with dinner - yahoo!) and one of my fellow consultants & I were chatting about the kids (why is it that we get away from them for a couple of hours & they are all we can talk about???). She gave me, maybe, insight into my Andewd's issue. Maybe, just maybe, he has slight problems with impulse control. It doesn't really fit him well. Then I look it up & a big fat wham-o again - me, it fits ME! Yeah, I won't get into that. Mine's a tad bit more personal than I'd like to share on this public a level. It's a shameful thing for me. He, however, doesn't exhibit the full spectrum of an actual disorder, just maybe the onset (that's a very leery maybe). I want to scrub it out before it becomes a thing. He just doesn't have control over his emotions & he gets angry at the drop of a hat, cries, yells, screeches & squeals. He's acting more like a 4 or 5 year old than his age of 10. These past few weeks, I've given him a little for the good, taken a lot for the bad. This is working for the time being. The fact that he responds almost immediately to the thought of having things taken from him, because now he knows I really mean it (DUH!) is awesome to me. I've told him how proud I am to see him controlling himself better. I give him his figurative pats on the back when he's having a good day. I'll keep the blog posted!

I didn't fully get away from the kiddos, I took Maia with me. I got the best compliment from someone of an earlier, stricter, more composed generation. She said - "Is that your daughter? ... My how well behaved she is! ... I saw her when I came in & then I didn't even know she was here. She's so very sweet, too." Then I heard it from 2 other people. My girl! I luff her to bits! I know it will all change when she gets older, but I can really enjoy it now. She's amazing!

The birds are chirping and, quickly, before I (hopefully) fade away, there was an injured young birdie in our front yard the other day. Our neighbor almost ran it over with his mower (it fell out of a tree). My kids were worried about it getting eaten by the local cats. We put it in a box and I called a friend of mine who does a lot for injured animals. She suggested we put it out of it's misery (there is now way I could...ever!) because, it's not demonstrative with pain issues, the poor little thing had its eye & part of its beak & tail taken out by the mower. She told me it would probably die anyway. Well, this evening, I felt so bad for it. It was no longer standing & we could see it was struggling. I let the kids say good-bye (the Princess was absolutely heart broken) and explained it was a part of nature. Today was a long day. Chirping birds, maybe I can sleep now.

Last day of school

Tomorrow is the last day of school for the year. Heading on to 2nd grade, 4th grade & Junior year. It always seems like each year goes by so much faster than the last, except the last few days of school. They are just dragging...

I'm not sure about something, so I will share. If anyone has an opinion, feel free to share it. Tomorrow is not only the last day of school it is also field day. I remember field day when I was a kid. I had a love hate relationship with field day. In my day, there was a lot of stress put on winning. Not by the staff, but by peers. I think the same is true today. Who doesn't love to win one of those colorful ribbons? Who never really gave a shit about the participation ribbon? Whoop-dee-doo, everyone participates. My dilemma - what do I teach my kids about winning? We've had conversations about feeling the need to WIN! Andewd is probably one of my most competitive children. He is also the sorest loser and he doesn't win very often.

I know I'm not the one who taught him to be a sore loser. I lose better than anyone, imo. Except arguments, but we're not talking about the last word. I have heard the words "winning isn't everything, knowing that you did your best is" and "it's okay to lose, it's all about having fun"come out of my mouth on several occasions. How do I stress that it's good to want to win without diminishing the importance of good sport. It's okay to lose...right? I want my kids to want to be good enough to win at everything, who doesn't? I don't want them hung up on not getting the ribbon or not winning & feeling terrible that they didn't.

Tonight, my focus is on that conversation. I want them to focus on having fun, because really, isn't that what field day is meant to do, bring the fun out on the last day of school - celebrate moving on to the next? Winning isn't everything, but losing sucks! Of course I'm going to tell them to just do their best & have fun. Is it enough & will it sink in that it's good to want to achieve the highest level of excellence and WIN? Probably not, because I'm advocating losing. It's a lose, lose situation. Ha!

School stuff

So, I volunteered this year - lots - for my daughter's classroom. Today was a special "reception" for those of us who volunteered throughout the year. Anything to do with kids, that's sweet, almost always makes me tear up. They did this special thing with big cards that spelled out "Thank You!" and, of course, it almost made me tear up. I held my ground, though & didn't let them actually well. I have no idea why this happens to me, butit does. Christmas carols....OMG! I am so bad with that. & when Maia did her first program this year, it was sooooo hard to keep myself from crying. Again, I really have no idea why. It just happens & I get overcome by emotions.

Today was a lovely gesture by her teacher & we all got a foam framed picture of them holding up the Thank you! It'll be amazing looking back at them a few years from now. It always is.

Tomorrow, the kids are headed out on their final field trip. I'm kind of worried about the weather. it's supposed to be quite hot with a high heat index. I hope there are enough chaperones and that they watch all these little ones in the heat. This was one thing I didn't want to volunteer for. I'm just not into the outdoor stuff unless it's cooler weather.

Lots of thought, lost in thought

I spent a lot of time thinking yesterday & the old adage "life is what you make it" kept filtering any thought I had. I feel like a big ol' crybaby Sally. I am not that person, I've never been. I am much more of a listener. I was thinking about a journey & sharing that so that anyone who might feel down on themselves can see that we control the good or bad in our lives (for the most part). My life is good right now. <-- It may not sound like it, but any time something happens that sets my mind adrift to the past I second guess everything I've ever done. I don't need a to do list, but I do. Those things I will keep to myself. Everyone has stuff to do. Motivation was the driving force behind feeling I needed to put it out there.

So - Andewd has a desire to never do anything in front of people. Especially things like singing. Yesterday was the school's Spring program. 3rd, 4th & 5th graders participated. We talked about it - at length & he was adamant that he couldn't (didn't) want to go. He hasn't participated in the programs since 1st grade. I am of the mind that if a child is absolutely uncomfortable doing things like this, he shouldn't have to. I remember the way he froze at the beginning of the last thing he was in & the look of fear in his eyes, the welling of the fearful tears & I didn't want to have to do that to him. He surprised me - he went, he didn't even see me in the audience & he did well. He had fun.

I was listening to the radio yesterday, on my way to deliver 2 charm bracelets and a song came on. I enjoy the music of the Sick Puppies. The band name is not appropriate for the type of music they produce, imo. The lyrics were soothing and right (of course I didn't know all the lyrics, but the ones I heard - fit. Now they fit even more.).

Riptide by Sick Puppies with lyrics:



Always, posting my hurt thoughts & making myself see what I feel helps me get through it. It clears my mind, it is motivating all on its own.

What haunts me?

Falling out of love - will I? I sometimes secretly think this is all a farce. Married so long & I still feel those butterflies when I look at him - not every hour, but mostly once a day. He is comfort, pain; laughter, frustration; best friend, frenemy; lover & fighter all rolled into one. No one understands him like I do & no one understands me like he does. He truly is the only one who can make me see truth. Here comes the but - what if the kids grow up & things change so drastically that we no longer want to be? I keep hearing stories of couples married for so many years & then - bada-boom! It's over. I envision old age with him.

My children without me - I have had too many people die around me lately. I feel too young to be experiencing so much death. The ones who've died are 56, 40, & 37 years old. I knew 2 of them very well and 1 through someone else. When things like this happen, it frightens me - deeply. I don't want my kids to grow up without a mom. Especially my 2 youngest. I am so close to all of them (almost), but thinking of my younger 2 growing up without me in their life terrifies me - sometimes in a debilitating way when I'm trying to go to sleep. I try to shake the thoughts from my mind & they don't want to easily leave.

Success - so elusive. Well, it depends on how one might calculate success. I feel like my marriage is successful (so far, ups & downs & all), I feel like my kids will grow up to appreciate the way I brought them up. One just never knows the result until the test is over. They may want to set up the pyre & burn me at the stake, I dunno. For those things, I feel semi secure about the successes.

I keep trying new things & failing to follow through. This could fall into the category of this week's #3 writing prompt. Describe a flaw that seems to be in your genes. Inconsistency - in my genes. Can that be genetic? I tried blog design, it worked for a little while. I tried jewelry, it worked for a little while. I tried Tupperware & it worked for a little while. I tried Walmart & that didn't work at all. Ha! All of these things (with the exception of Walmart - unless you count grocery shopping) I still do - sometimes. I have a party scheduled for the end of the month. From there, my network will grow (wishful, positive thinking). I have someone looking for a blog design when I'm out of the design loop for well over a year, but I think I can. I have 2 charm bracelets for a jewelry client to pick up (and I haven't heard from her), plus an order from my Artfire account shipping out with the mail. I want to go back to school, for the last 2 years. I'm still not registered, but I did complete my FAFSA for the last 2 years. Writing, writing, writing. I don't do it nearly as much as I want to. It's another one of those things I keep trying & stopping.

Failure - see above. Do I want to do all of these things? ABSO-freakin'-LUTELY! (except for Walmart, unless you count grocery shopping) Why oh why do I remain so inconsistent?
Someone please slap me into action - about once every 3 months. I can't seem to do it myself. School - I wanna, sooooo bad! I can't bring myself to go back & learn that I really don't know much. I like to think that I am smart, but maybe that's the wool over my eyes. Kidding aside, I am so inconsistent I don't trust that I will FINISH, thus leading to failure.

P.S. This is not a pity party, I just want to figure myself out. What better way to do it than in front of an audience. Albeit an audience of one, but that's more than me.

I'm always able

I just don't always feel like it.

So, I went to my good friend Jill's Party Lite party last night. It was fun, a nice get away - as most of those little direct sales gatherings are. The only bad thing about it, I always end up wanting stuff.

I got home after 9 and Kyle & I started working on his second version of his Illumination Poem for English. When he first brought up the assignment last Friday, I had no idea what it was. He did his first version in Power Point format, which was nice. I was watching him work & wondered if we could do the very same thing with Windows Movie Maker and make it 10 times cooler. I made my mom a slide show video for her 60th Birthday party, so I was familiar with the program. I also made my friend Jill a video for her mom. This is what Kyle & I made last night (a poem called "Volunteer" by Elbridge Jefferson Cutler):

It took us 2 and a half hours - good thing Wednesday is a late start. Had he worked entirely alone, it would have taken him a lot longer. I wish I'd have been able to do cool shit like that in high school. I really love making the videos. One day, when I have a million hours to upload my mom's video, I'll post it. It's right around 25 minutes long, so it takes a long time to upload.

On to the task at hand... Did I accomplish everything on my list yesterday? Yes, I did. The only thing I didn't do was finish my laundry entirely. I wasn't home in the evening, so I didn't have the kids put their clothes away. They are folded!!! That's for today. A bad side effect of doing this, I do the things I list, yet find myself neglecting some other things I need to do because...I don't feel like it. Yesterday was a busier kind of day & I was addled by lack of sleep. I am a bit of an insomniac. Any normal person would think hey, why not do the stuff when you can't sleep, well, I surely would if I wasn't so damned wiped out.

I started my blog redesign & I am far from finished. I just wanted to get something different up here. I like this layout. I am going to do my own background & I have a new header in the works. Very similar to the one that's here, just with more updated & more pics.

The man didn't have to work last night, so we hung out together after the poem was finished & 7:am comes really fast - but it seems to come even quicker when you go to sleep around 4:am.

The whole purpose of doing this, for me, is to get back to a place where I feel like I'm really doing the things I expect of myself. The past year or so (maybe longer) I don't feel like I'm living up to my own expectations. For example - if someone dropped by my house today, out of the blue, I'd be ashamed to let them in. My house isn't gross, by any stretch, but it isn't clean the way I like my clean. That said, I used to take care & it used to be important. In the grand scheme of things - perfect house upkeep isn't on my list of top 10 things I think are necessary for a great life. It's something I could see putting off for more important things - like spending good times with the kids & what-not, having a lazy day with the dock man because we don't get to spend enough time together.

Today:

Clean the kitchen (desperately in need of sweeping & mopping)
Take out the bathroom garbage (okay, so not a big deal, but I like to wait until aunt flo leaves before I empty the ick)

Oh yeah, I have to wash the covers for my sofa cushions. The brilliant Kyle was eating his cereal on the sofa & the baby (kitten) jumped into his lap. After he spent 10 minutes trying to wipe up the milk (impossible) I told him to take off the cover. I had to let him, at least, try. After I dropped them at school, I'm looking around for the tv remote. Lo & behold I find it under one of the back cushions dripping with milk. Lovely. I stripped the other cushion & wonder if the remote will work again...ever. It's a directv remote & those things are not cheap.