RemembeRED - Beating a dead horse

This week's prompt asked us to write about a time that rhythm, or a lack thereof, played a role in your life. And don’t use the word “rhythm.”





I've been blogging about my issues lately, hence beating the dead horse.  If you've dropped by my blog, you've read about it all.   I apologize for it now.

I don't think I've ever felt so out of it.

I feel like there's so much to be done & there's nothing I can do about it.

And I know I can do something, it's the absolute lack of motivation to do it that is in my way.

I should be courageous & fight through it all.

That's not me, I give in to my weaknesses.  Especially the ones that involve pain.

This...pain...it's all consuming.

If you've had issues with your gall bladder, you know it.

In the morning, it sears through my middle asking for immediate attention.

Often times it doesn't wait for morning to scream at me.

Usually, if I had an attack, it was short lived.

It came & went by way of a single pain killer.

I'd go to bed at night & not have to think about it for a long time.

I started to learn what triggered an attack.  Most often avoiding these foods (everything I love).  Once in a while, I would eat without consulting my awareness.

Then I would pay.

Since last week (today is day 10),
it doesn't matter what I eat,
it doesn't matter if I don't eat,
it doesn't matter what I do, I hurt.

While taking the pain killers does eliminate the pain for a bit, it also lands in my head like a dead weight, crushing my brain.

I can't function with the pain, I can't function with the pain killers.

I sleep when I can
& do what I can - if & when I feel okay.

I feel like I'm a juggled ball, hanging above the world waiting to drop.  Once in the hand, I feel suffocated.  It's no win.

Add into the mix the children & their needs.  I do everything I can & attend to them.  They seem to be no worse for what I'm going through, with the exception of extra crabbiness.  I ask for a little bit extra from them & sometimes I get it. 

It's a phase in my life & it will be over soon.  The pain is lessened when I don't eat, sometimes.  I'm scheduled for surgery on the 2nd of August.  If I stick to a mostly liquid diet, including hot soup in 100 degree heat indexes (yeah, I'm all over that), I should live with little or no pain.  Hopefully, we can get that date moved up a week because I want my life back.  Sooner is better than later.  The bright side - a liquid diet will bring down my weight.  Yay for a sliver of positive!

The pain killers totally dampen my mind. I hate feeling like I don't think right & I hate knowing that I'm writing wrong.

 
I wrote about a lack of rhythm in my life.  It just so happens that this is an issue lately, no rhythm, no sense of control.  I don't know why I feel I need a disclaimer, but please don't apologize.  It's not your fault & everyone goes through their rough patches.  I just happen to be living one of mine through my blog.  For me, just getting it out is helpful.  I don't know that I've ever felt this out of sync with me.

Update

The testing has been done.  I'm not sure what is going to happen next, I just know that the dye didn't expose my gall bladder issues.  In fact, it didn't expose my gall bladder at all.  It makes me wonder if the organ has died.  RIP, but it's time to go.

I was told that the scan told the techs that my gall bladder was non-functioning.  I'm not sure what that means, & it seems they weren't all that sure either.  Or they didn't want to tell me & scare me.  I'm not consciously worried about it, but in the back of my mind I'm wondering why a dead or non-functioning organ isn't an emergency?  It's the passive in me that may very well kill me one day.  I did try asking, so I should get credit for that.

I guess I will find out on Monday after my doc gets the results.  In the meantime, I am surviving on pain killers.  Thankfully, they are working.

The GALL of my gall bladder!

How could you do this to me? Is it so hard to intake so many refined sugars & fatty meats while not consuming the things that are truly good for you? Really!?! I am ashamed of you and hate you for causing intermittent pain because you so desperately need a good cleanse. And who gave you the right to get all diseased & unhealthy anyway? It is my body after all, you just live in it, neighbor of my liver!

That being said, yes, I've cause an internal issue for myself that may one day require surgery. I don't like surgery & I think, if I do things right, I may be able to avoid it. I've already decided that I needed to start eating better (decided - a long time ago. It's not working out so well.). I want to eat more food. Period. I typically don't eat much of anything except dinner. During the days before the DOT, I will get cravings for many things, none of which are good for me, or my gall bladder. If I do better my eating habits, then even indulging once a month shouldn't be all that bad.

I was reading a few articles online & now I want to know how to make beet juice. Beet juice with carrots & cucumbers because they help cleanse (& maybe even heal!) the gall bladder. I don't have a juicer, nor do I intend to buy one. Do you think I can use a blender & maybe just puree it? I also read that pears & pear juice are good for the gall bladder. Pears are my favorite fruit, so I can do that, too.

Had to go to the ER early Spring 2010 because the pain was so intense I almost couldn't walk and I had no idea what was causing it for 3 days. I was diagnosed with gall bladder disease & the ER doc told me that if I ever came to the ER again, with this same issue, he wouldn't wait. He'd just send me in for surgery. He prescribed vicodin for pain management. I didn't even pick up the prescription for almost 6 months because it took my gall bladder that long to get pissed at me again. & I can tell you, I HATE, HATE taking vicodin. It does take mere minutes to get rid of debilitating pain, but the feeling I get, the queasy, weavy feeling? Can't stand it for those feelings & it makes me a complete bitch. No one can talk to me without a full on bitch blast. I hate being that way, too. It also takes me at least 2 days to recover from taking one pill. I get lazy, sleepy & just don't want to do anything.

The last 2 mornings I woke to this lovely pain. It takes me out! Nsaids (so, sue me or tell me that I'm doing more harm to my body) worked this morning. It took about 2 hours, but the pain is severely dulled. I can function. I am going to go shopping for fresh beets, carrots, pears & a couple of cucumbers. I need to start now because I don't think I can take much more of this.