Friday, November 16, 2007

For years

I have been in a constant quarrel with myself. On one hand, I do believe I have some talent for writing. On the other sits the irrefutable doubt that exists always, right in the palm always dissecting every word, nudging the belief I can do this better than many. I haven't ever taken any course to better my writing or to learn how to perfect it. I haven't ever allowed anyone other than friends or family to see some of what I have written, yet I continue to write... I have been writing since the age of 8. Even though it started small, it started.

Technically, I am not creatively constipated. It's much more than that, but not a creative stultification. I have a lot of creativity. Ask me to write a poem about anything & I can whip one out for you. It might not take me more than 2 minutes. It also may not have lots of big difficult words. I don't have as vast a vocab as many writers do - but I think that comes with time. How does any of us know that Stephen King, or Sandra Brown, or Maeve Binchy didn't have a thesaurus sitting next to them for their first few novels, or all of them?

I don't read enough. I read a lot, but to really know what is being published, well - I think I need to read more. For me - a lot of what is written doesn't hold my interest - doesn't even attract it. With young kids in my house, I tend to look into what's good for me to read to them. There is a multitude of shit by kids authors. Lots & lots to mire in. There are many gems to be dug from the manure, though.

I have the spiked tongue of the devil as a truck driver. I try not to use so much of it when I write, but in certain things, especially things I am passionate or pissed off about, it comes out with teeth. Will I need to use it for the blog, restraint? Maybe.

I am pissed off at society. Flaky ass people - ho, ,ho, ho! And the cell phones... OH .. MY .. FUCKING .. GOD! Since when does an 8 year old need to have a cell phone? I am a child of the 80s and we got along perfectly fine with the whistle. When dad wanted us home, he whistled, loud & obnoxious out our front door. Plus, if you know where your kids are, teach them to call from wherever they're going or to check in at an established time & have consequences if they don't - they learn. With the crazies out in this world, and there does seem to be many more than when I was a kid, I tend not to let mine venture outside without me until they are much older & understand what can happen to them if they don't take precautions. Maybe a bad thing, maybe I am too protective, but I would rather they have more questions when they get older than get dead when they are young.

I am a bad Catholic, not a good Christian. I was simply baptised. No type of organized religion was ever practiced in my house. I know my parents tried to attempt to add faith in our lives when I was around 12 or 13. By then, with all that happened to me & with their own religious cynicism, I couldn't have found faith if it bit me on the ass. I had nothing to believe in, nothing but what I did. Who thinks of anything else but what they do at the age of 13 anyhow? Of course, the church thing only lasted a few weeks before the thought of it dwindled out of their minds. To them, going was a waste of a good Sunday morning. I am sure it didn't help that their 2 older kids did nothing but complain about having to get up so early on a Sunday.

As far as being a parent goes, sometimes I really suck at it & other times I know I am exceeding all of my expectations. It depends on my mood & their behavior. I really believe there is much to be taught about parenting & how to go about it. So many so called experts leave so much out of the everyday grind that is child rearing. Many of these so called experts are fucking fruitcakes, too. All soft in the middle like a rotten apple. Children need disciplne. Most often, the firmest hands get better results. There is also the fact that no matter how hard we try & even if we do the best job any expert can muster, they still grow up & have their own minds, their own faults, their own hindrances & their own goodness. We provide a map for them to follow & they either plot their course or not. Our personalities do play into theirs. If we have faults for them to build on - they will do it. They will also find a time to blame, too.

I have to customize my blog - I will see what it looks like upon finishing this first entry. I f no one ever looks at this - fabulous - that will give me much more freedom of expression. If many do, well that's cool, too. I might actually get the soapbox I have desired for so long, as if I ever had anything profound to share.

I wish there were a way to relate the whole deal at dinner - but I just didn't have a tape recorder handy.

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