Thursday, June 2, 2011

What haunts me?

Mama’s Losin’ It

Falling out of love - will I? I sometimes secretly think this is all a farce. Married so long & I still feel those butterflies when I look at him - not every hour, but mostly once a day. He is comfort, pain; laughter, frustration; best friend, frenemy; lover & fighter all rolled into one. No one understands him like I do & no one understands me like he does. He truly is the only one who can make me see truth. Here comes the but - what if the kids grow up & things change so drastically that we no longer want to be? I keep hearing stories of couples married for so many years & then - bada-boom! It's over. I envision old age with him.

My children without me - I have had too many people die around me lately. I feel too young to be experiencing so much death. The ones who've died are 56, 40, & 37 years old. I knew 2 of them very well and 1 through someone else. When things like this happen, it frightens me - deeply. I don't want my kids to grow up without a mom. Especially my 2 youngest. I am so close to all of them (almost), but thinking of my younger 2 growing up without me in their life terrifies me - sometimes in a debilitating way when I'm trying to go to sleep. I try to shake the thoughts from my mind & they don't want to easily leave.

Success - so elusive. Well, it depends on how one might calculate success. I feel like my marriage is successful (so far, ups & downs & all), I feel like my kids will grow up to appreciate the way I brought them up. One just never knows the result until the test is over. They may want to set up the pyre & burn me at the stake, I dunno. For those things, I feel semi secure about the successes.

I keep trying new things & failing to follow through. This could fall into the category of this week's #3 writing prompt. Describe a flaw that seems to be in your genes. Inconsistency - in my genes. Can that be genetic? I tried blog design, it worked for a little while. I tried jewelry, it worked for a little while. I tried Tupperware & it worked for a little while. I tried Walmart & that didn't work at all. Ha! All of these things (with the exception of Walmart - unless you count grocery shopping) I still do - sometimes. I have a party scheduled for the end of the month. From there, my network will grow (wishful, positive thinking). I have someone looking for a blog design when I'm out of the design loop for well over a year, but I think I can. I have 2 charm bracelets for a jewelry client to pick up (and I haven't heard from her), plus an order from my Artfire account shipping out with the mail. I want to go back to school, for the last 2 years. I'm still not registered, but I did complete my FAFSA for the last 2 years. Writing, writing, writing. I don't do it nearly as much as I want to. It's another one of those things I keep trying & stopping.

Failure - see above. Do I want to do all of these things? ABSO-freakin'-LUTELY! (except for Walmart, unless you count grocery shopping) Why oh why do I remain so inconsistent?
Someone please slap me into action - about once every 3 months. I can't seem to do it myself. School - I wanna, sooooo bad! I can't bring myself to go back & learn that I really don't know much. I like to think that I am smart, but maybe that's the wool over my eyes. Kidding aside, I am so inconsistent I don't trust that I will FINISH, thus leading to failure.

P.S. This is not a pity party, I just want to figure myself out. What better way to do it than in front of an audience. Albeit an audience of one, but that's more than me.


Adrienne said...

I'm married 28 years, and I remember the day that I looked across the room, and knew that we were so lucky to be happy hanging out all these years later, kids gone. Just us. That was a good day! Sharing to let you know that the good endings happen too! Take one day at a time...and don't be so hard on yourself!!

Cam @Bibs said...

i start a million things too and stop. i have committed myself to finishing and have been making great progress. i say this to say - it's possible and you're not alone. give yourself a break and then kick your own butt to get stuff done! You'll be so proud of YOU! :)

Mrs. Wonder said...

I always strart and stop things. Me resume show it! You're just still feeling around for what you're meant to do. You'll find it.

Patrice said...

I think many of us share the same haunts...


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