Sunday, June 8, 2008

All patched up! and Thoughts at bed time.

Yeah, it was a simple job. It's wicked having a neighbor who is handy if you have a husband that has a problem changing a light bulb. He isn't that bad, but I am certainly the handy one in our house & I wouldn't even attempt to know anything about an AC unit. He basically cleaned all the grass, dirt & yuck out of the unit. Tomorrow Dock man & I are going to dig up an area around our AC unit to prevent this from happening again. We were clueless, obviously, that one should keep a decent bare space around it so as to avoid dirt, grass & other things from getting in there & botching it up. May seem like a simpleton type idea, but we didn't know it could do that. The unit's outside exposed to the elements, who-da thunk?

Our neighbor is a nice guy, for real. His family is very nice, too. He doesn't want to charge us anything for fixing up our unit, but we feel an obligation to do something for him (I have to). I think we are going to get him a gift card to his favorite place to shop (Menards). The only thing he asked for was - the next time I grill brats, he would like one, too. Heh.

So last night as I rest my head on my pillow, I was thinking about a lot of things. Mostly my inability to trust people. The inability to let people truly into my life. Except for my far away friend. Since, oh, I don't know, 1992, I don't think I've made a true new friend besides Billie. I have a hard time even letting my family in (extended family, who I never spent a lot of time with when I was young on my birth father's side). I am really bad at staying connected with my old friends who come back into my life and my old family who I've known all my life. I can't really say what my fears are, just that I must have something that's keeping me from doing this. I can contribute my feelings of isolation to having a hard time making friends.

Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of acquaintances. & everywhere I've lived I've made plenty of those. People I can call & chat to every once in a while. I have made get together dates & those go okay. If ever they fall through, I always fail to try again. It is a trust tissue, I think and I never used to be like this. I have no idea why I do this or where it comes from - well, maybe I do.

Without getting too deep, maybe I'm afraid that my life is all wrong. That I have too much to hide from the world & that they have it so much better? Maybe I'm afraid of having another good friend back out on our friendship because they don't like my hub? That is a story. I sometimes think it is the reason behind my lacking the ability to trust new people, to even give myself the chance to make friends.

Before I get into that, let me tell you why I trust Billie. I met Billie on a forum for a gaming community. We started talking because we were both learning something to do with the game around the same time. Because I knew a tad bit more about it, we began an IM session on Yahoo. We decided it would be easier to communicate about it all on the phone, so we exchanged numbers. The first phone call was awesome! Talking to her was like reconnecting with someone I have known all my life. It had a sweet familiarity about it. I've never had that happen before with a new person, since Becky. It was especially fantastic.

We kept talking, every week night & have since then, back in October of 2005. I have known her since then & it is possible to truly know someone without the benefit of a physical meeting. I know this is possible because we are doing it. We hear the good & bad about each other. The only reason it's possible is because we are honest - to a fault. Billie knows me about as good as my old true friends - the ones I've had since I was a kid, the ones I still talk to but never get to see because they all live in Colorado. Our friendship feels like it's old. She loves me & I her no matter how we are as human beings or what we say. I've gotten pig headed with her on occasion & she tolerates it. Sometimes I act like I know it all & she tolerates it. Sometimes she says things that irk me & I tolerate it. I mention this toleration thing, we don't just tolerate it, we talk about it. We can disagree with one another - everything isn't about "wow, funny you should say that, I feel the same way!" - the fakey conversations, the tiptoe conversations, the agreeable to everything conversations, those don't exist with us. They never did - unless we were being honest about our own feelings. I can tell her anything without feeling judged. I don't need to see the look on her face because I know it's like my own, whatever my emotion conveys.

I do want to meet her one day in her town or mine. I know that won't matter much, though because we will still live over 2000 miles apart. I will value her friendship forever. She is a true friend to me & the only one I've made in over 16 years. I do wish we had the opportunity to get together once a month at least - if we were neighbors, we'd probably get in too much trouble. (not really, I don't think)

I'll tell you all about Becky another time. I want to keep this positive, about my friend Billie & how much she means to me. Thanks, Billie - for being true, honest & loving. Thanks for listening when I need you to, thanks for not judging me or who I am. Thanks for kicking my ass when I need it and thanks for being who you are. Who you are is what makes you so special to everyone who knows you. I know my life is better because you are a part of it.

BTW - Cathy, thanks for the visualization of the ocean & the cool breeze! I can feel my toes dipping in & cooling me off! I'm so glad we have AC again! It's supposed to be 90 today, with humidity....ACK!


noble pig said...

Glad you felt the chill!

~Billie~ said...

Awww! That was so mushy! A good mushy though. LOL! I am glad we are friends. I can't imagine you not being there!! BTW...I soooo do not say anything 'irk' worthy! :P


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