I think everyone gets to a point in their life where some kind of change must occur to keep life from becoming stagnant. Maybe it's just me, but maybe it isn't. It feels like I'm reaching that point now. Some part of me feels unfulfilled. An early midlife crisis? Who knows, I just know that I have to do something different. Something for me because the last 14 years have been about everyone else.
Don't get me wrong, I have time for myself. I make it. I will spend hours at the computer on the days I feel like it, especially if I'm working. It almost seems like when I'm working, I don't do enough of everything else I think I'm supposed to do. Then I get in a grind. Yes, a grind. By that, I mean that I do the same things over & over again until I snap out of it. I lose myself for a time. It's one thing I don't like about myself. When I get lost, I neglect other things, like housework. No, we're not living in a pig sty, but it is rather dusty around here & I need to vacuum. I'm behind on laundry & I hate laundry. That's the reason I don't like to get behind with the laundry because it takes every ounce of effort to catch myself back up.
Then, along with that, there's the feeling that I'm not doing enough for my kids. Oh, I do & I do & I do for them. But what am I really doing? Is it substantial enough? Is it quality or just time.
Here I thought all this time I was being myself. I don't feel like I really know what that is...myself. A fool, I suppose.
This is not a pity party, so please don't feel bad. What is this whole blogging thing supposed to be about? An online journal. Read & be read, feel the things that others feel, too. Relate in a way that wasn't possible 10, 15 years ago. I started blogging that way & then it left me.
There's so much more I could go into, but I won't. I just know that change is on the horizon. Much needed for my mental health. Thank you - now back to our regularly scheduled programming. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Oh yeah - I have the hardest time designing a blog for myself. I don't know what I like or is it that I like too much, so my own redesign might take a while...
5 comments:
your words could be coming from my brain...
I feel ya!
I hear you completely. I've basically grounded myself from the computer until Cole goes to nap.
I think you'll do a remarkeable job on your own bloggy-makeover. You did a great job on Aubrey's, btw.
I hope you get out of your funk. I think once the weather starts to come around, you'll spunk back up!
I literally just finished saying, "Everybody out and leave me alone for the next 30 minutes, I have not had a free minute to myself in over a week!". And with that they all took off knowing damn well mama was about to snap! With Pink getting up at 7am and NOT napping, it's getting really old really fast. I can't even go to the bathroom alone without her crawling up on my lap, and the potty training? At almost 3 she is in denial that she should shit anywhere but her diaper so I get to wipe it. Thus no Mother's Morning Out, no break. I know, I know, this too shall pass.
I miss my beautiful blog and I miss you and I miss the internet altogether! I miss you the most though, in a totally non lesbian stalker kinda way.
We all get in those yucky moods. This to shall pass:-)
Boy, I hear you! Even on the other side of the world, I have these thoughts too.
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