Never enough

Some of my early blogging (there were only 4 of them), I feel like I'm taking a wrong turn somewhere. Like I'm not being honest about who I am. I will have to just continue the way I was. I think honesty is the way to go. If I can't be true to myself, who can I be true to? This blog is about me. I am the reason it exists.

I also feel like I am inferiorly educated. I spent some time at a poetry forum - a good one, one that allows those who wish to learn, to learn. After spending that time there (and I will go back), I feel like a big ole dummy. I know I'm not one, but many of those who write & post there are well educated. I only got through the 10th grade. My circumstances didn't allow me to finish school and a Dean of students of a school outside my district suggested I just get my GED & get on with my life. It was some of the best advice I got ever in my life - except I didn't use it as wisely as I should have...hindsight. So while I whine about not feeling very smart, I still am doing nothing to change it.

I feel a bit in a stalemate, I guess. We are waiting to close on our refi. Can't beat the rate & cutting off 7 years on our loan. I am going to work on a more strict budget - hard to do when I don't pay the bills, Tony does. I believe I can figure out ways to cut corners better than he does. Even though he is great at getting our bills paid, he isn't an inspired saver. Not that I don't love to spend, I do. That is his worry, that I will overspend endlessly - to me, even that he suggests that is stupid. (I've gotten side tracked here) He puts money away in our savings every year. Every year, we spend that - we are in a situation that, in order to live the lifestyle we do, he must work at least 8 hours of OT each week. He does this usually and it's not something he feels so much, because it's 2 hours over 4 days a week. There have been times in our marriage that he worked through the weekends, if it was necessary. I think, in a way he's changed his ideal on the money saving front, but not in the most positive way. I may be the cause of this with my ...oh, you only live once, the money isn't really getting saved any how - we always end up spending it...etc. The thing with that is, I think we do need to save, but the savings should be gradual, not huge lump sums - this way, we do get to enjoy some of it. Savings should be consistently added to, even in small amounts. Savings should be off limits - always. I think we need to have an account that is for emergency purposes. Once our savings has grown a bit, I think we do need to invest some of it. With today's economy, that isn't an easy prospect to swallow, but if one wants to grow money, sometimes small risks are necessary. I wanted us to open IRAs when were were 23 & 24. That would have been really smart. He wouldn't do it, still won't. Why? I have no idea.

Stalemate - I want to do some things with the excess from the refi. I need a new vacuum and am giving up the Dyson idea. They are too expensive for now. Someday, but today, I can suffer a less expensive one - I just want one I don't have to reassert the belt everytime I start it up, one that actually sucks up the cat hair. All suggestions are welcome, if anyone has any. I also wanted to buy some art, our walls were bare before the recent paint. They aren't now, but I am still desiring one or 2 more pieces. Target, here I come. I think I will wait until next year for the dining set. I think we would be better served putting that away for now. Half in savings & half in emergency. Talking more & more about this, thinking about it - I realize there will always be something I think we need or something I want. And it's always for the house or the kids...always.