Friday, July 8, 2011

The Red Writing Hood: Siren

My first contribution, yet again this week. I'm feeding my writing urges, while not really having any. I read blogs & some of them are so inspiring, I want to write. Here we go.


This week we were asked to challenge ourselves & write outside the box. I don't even have a box I write in, so anything would be good. I don't think I necessarily have a comfort zone, either. I write anything, even if it doesn't turn out well. I decided to try writing from the male POV. I can't say I've written from this POV before, so it should be interesting. Be forewarned about cliche. I can't really help it.

Siren

The violent waves shook the bowels of the ship, undulating it heavily. After too long, you would think I would be used to this, thought the captain. Years at sea have his skin aged with salt and sun, rum and smoke. He emerges under the cover of the deck, having trouble keeping his feet. Without seeing he knows the sea’s reaction is from that of a massive storm. Whether or not they will see it, he doesn’t know.

“Aye, Captain,” said his first. “What brings you topside?”

“No rest for the wicked, lad. Having trouble with my thoughts, and the sea.”

The moonlight caressed the water soaked decks with its shimmer. It showed that the ship was more worse for wear than Ethan wanted. Not much out here, lately, though, he thought. Hard to maintain without the much needed gold.

“Aye, Jonah, why not take the night to sleep. At least one of us should, better to take on the sun light tomorrow.”

“Aye, will do, Cap’n,” said Jonah, leaving the ship’s command to Ethan.

As the ship lolled in the vicious water, Ethan could see the clouds slowly moving across the sky, eventually choking what little light the moon offered.

I guess we won’t be missing this, he thought. He began the preparation for the storm, not knowing how long it would be before it hit.

It didn’t take long & it blew through like a cyclone on the sea. Winds howled, tearing the sails on the masts, lightning crashed overhead, across the sky & near the ship. The thunder rumbled in him, exploding in his ears & careening to the decks through his feet. It shook everything. How can they sleep through this, he thought. A helluva lot of rum, that’s how.

He scanned the sea and noticed some shadowy movement, though the movement was the ship & not what was there on the sea. It was an outcrop of large rocks. He didn't remember ever coming past these before & they'd journeyed this way many a time. He took out the spyglass to get a closer look, see if there was anything to be had. The large jutting boulders had to have caused a wreck now & again. He could see nothing but the shadows.

Dawn was on the slow approach, but the sky was still very dark, especially since the clouds were still hanging under the moon. He took to the rocks again and this time, he did see something. At first he thought it was an illusion, in his mind. He looked bare eyed then lifted the spyglass again. It was still there! Watching in a still horror, he saw what he thought was a woman leap into the water!

His heart resembled the thunder from the night's storm. He scrambled to the life boat & dropped it down into the water. He hurried to the site & found this beautiful, raven haired woman gliding across the water. She swims like a fish, he thought first and then, my GOD! She's a woman to keep me!

She approached the tiny wooden boat with ease and climbed in. She said nothing. Her eyes blazed blue. Her skin was pale porcelain.

"Hello," was all Ethan could muster. His mind felt like it was literally blown from his skull. She still said nothing. He was beyond mesmerized.

She took his face gently in her hands and pressed her lips to his own.

As dawn broke through the clouds, the sun arose on the little boat. Jonah saw it, there on the water. He called to the crew, they turned ship towards the vessel. As they neared, they could easily tell that Ethan Morgan was gone. His eyes were open with a look that reminded Jonah of the days when he was happiest. He looked at peace.

16 comments:

Lisa @ Two Bears Farm said...

Ok, this was such a fun read in so many ways! But I just loved the ending :-)

lancemyblogcanbeatupyourblog said...

I'll return the compliment because I mean it..

I didn't feel a female speaking. The characters/POV felt authentic. I dug the ending a lot. The short sentences were suspenseful.

thanks for visiting my place. I'll be back here, too.

Galit Breen said...

I love how far you stretched- that you went for the male POV and the out at sea scene.

I love the poetry in lines like these -Years at sea have his skin aged with salt and sun, rum and smoke.- Just lovely and so, so very descriptive!

Cam - Bibs & Baubles said...

you did great! "salt and sun, rum and smoke" really painted a picture for me. one of my favorite lines! write on!

le Chef said...

I liked the salt and sun, rum and smoke too. I also like pirates, but I might be assuming there ... ;)

Lex the mom said...

Thanks everyone! I don't mind constructive criticism, I welcome it. If anyone has any advice, you know, I can use it!

Le Chef - I was hoping the pirate would come across.

Yuliya said...

I liked it, sounds like a good way to go. Not sure if this was a stylistic choice but "Years at sea have his skin aged with salt and sun, rum and smoke" should be years at sea have aged his...
Nice job with the prompt!

Debra Ann Elliott said...

Transported back in time. Great story. Thanks for stopping by Sticks and Stepping Stones. Glad you enjoyed the story. I did have a bit of trouble with the title. I wasn't sure of it, but I guess it does throw people off a bit. Thanks, I did feel a little "at home'.

Carrie said...

This was definitely a male POV. You did a very good job with it.

I have a few critiques, some small things. You use commas a few times where they aren't needed and I know you mentioned it, but there are some cliches in there that don't need to be :)

I'm not sure if you needed to begin so much dialogue in the beginning with "Aye". Would the Cap'n use that word to speak to his first mate?

Great story, love the ending

Mel said...

Really a cool stretch! I loved it. I think this is one of those stories that could use another read-through for you to pick the exact right words at every point, but you have a great eye for the descriptive!

Kelly said...

I liked this - a lot. Great job, it really felt like a male POV.

Valerie said...

I love a good sea story-and this was a great one!!

So glad you did this prompt:)

Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy said...

The ending was great! I loved that he looked at peace...at his happiest. It might have been a sad ending otherwise, but I'm left feeling satisfied and strangely happy for him. You vividly painted the picture of the Siren. "Her eyes blazed blue." Very lovely imagery.

Steph said...

I enjoyed the pirate tale too, and I loved the ending. It's full of imagery, easy to read. I liked the male POV presented here.

CDG @ Move Over Mary Poppins! said...

I'm a fan of anything with sailors and sirens... obviously!

And I love the way you wrote the ending.

Brandon Duncan said...

Oh! Eerie... stories of the sea are always so... creepy. The Siren song (and apparently deadly kiss) is one such story.

Nice!

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