Age

Is it really nothing but a number?  I always thought that's how I felt about it.  Now that I'm back in school, I might be swaying in a different direction.  While there are people my age, around my age, and older than me I can feel the younger students regarding me in a different light.  Maybe it's a testament that I really wasn't getting out enough.  All of these observations are making me weigh how I view age at different times in my life.

At this stage of my life, I'll find myself watching reruns of old tv shows.  Not really old reruns, recent ones.  I was watching House the other day and it was an episode from 2007.  I thought Wow, that was 5 years ago - I was only 35.  We'll turn on a movie and I'll check the year it was made (thank you directv) and be exasperated that it's 12 or 14 years old.  What?  Those actors look so much younger!  Am I looking that much older, too?   10 years ago, I can honestly say, I didn't think this way.  These thoughts didn't go through my mind.  Maybe I'm realizing what all those older people in my life were telling me about time passing way too quickly.  I'm also seeing that time goes by more quickly (or seems to) with each year that passes.

When I look in the mirror, I don't see much age. I do see that I'm older, but I don't see "old".  I know that I am viewed as old by really young people.  I have conversations with nineteens & twenty somethings and I become fully aware at the respect they hold - maybe respect isn't the right word.  It's more of a "regard", as I mentioned earlier, they regard me in a different way.  I look in the mirror and don't see old, but I also absolutely do not feel old.  I feel just like I did at 19.  The only thing that feels different is my mind.  It feels more adept at life.  It feels a little wiser and it knows that there is something to be experienced, or learned, every day.  It's a consciousness that I think can only come with age, with living longer.  Each year that passes brings me to a better awareness of this.  If I look back, even the difference (in awareness) between 19 and 24 was astounding.

Another thing I am much more aware of, even though I've always had this in the back of my mind (as an adult), is how my elders feel.  I think about those who are in their 60s or above and think How must they feel?  I know that I feel the same inside, even though I look a little older - but they look a lot older.  I'm sure I'll have a better understanding of those feeling when I get there.  I can say that I'm treating them differently.  I'm trying to be more objective in realizing that they are the very same people today that they were when they were younger.  I didn't have thoughts like this 10 years ago, either.  Unconsciously, I think I always regarded them as if they were just old people.  And I have a great deal more respect for those who've lived longer than I have.  They know more than I do, they've experienced more than I have.  I think that's natural for all of us.

Then there's the idea that these older people do act differently.  As we get older, we direct ourselves more keenly toward everyday activities.  We take less for granted and even some of my friends who were excessively outspoken have toned it down.  We are still ourselves, but better.  I know this isn't true for everyone, but it is for most people.  I know people that respectfully carry themselves with their youth.  They seem the same, well, they are the same - they just have a youthfulness about them that so many people I know have lost.  One of my best friends now, Jill, is that way.  I take comfort in being around her innocence, her honesty and her ability to just be the same.

I just want to always remember, and be conscious of, the fact that we are all still the same, no matter what number of years have passed.  Those years do represent a simple number, but to everyone those numbers signify a lot more than what the first question of this blog post might convey.  Some years are labeled as milestones -  16, 18, 21, 30, 40, 50, 60, etc.  What signifies those as milestones is probably different for everyone.  16, 18 or 21 were not milestones for me, they were just birthdays.  30 and 40 did feel like they were milestones fro me.  What will 50 bring?  I don't want to be there, yet, and I think I won't want to be there when I get there.  It just sounds so old.

Tough for some not so tough for others

There are probably some things I can blog about every day.  One of the better things about this being my blog, I can decide what's blog worthy & what isn't.  Most of what goes on in my life on a daily basis isn't, so much.  The whole purpose of this thing, to write.  Write, write, and write.  I just have to consider my topics.  But really, do I have to?  One of the things that drives me forward is "free writing".  It's what opens my mind up - even if what rolls under my fingers on the keyboard is blather.

In my writing course at school, we're working on a personal narrative.  I keep telling myself I don't like writing about  my life, yet it's what I do here.  Ha haaaaa!  Is this easier?  Yes, because it's free writing, not structured writing.  Our first draft of the narrative is due on Wednesday.  Then we get to participate in a peer review.  I like that part, when it's effective.  If the person critiquing my paper is afraid to be honest about what they read, then I can't make it right.  We've only done this once, so far - critiqued.  A bit more practice is in order because I don't believe I am an authority on the process of writing.  I can only critique a paper based on what I, the reader, want to be reading.

"waaahhhahahah" (muffled sounding crowd cheers)

That is what it would sound like if my blog were like the Superbowl of blogs - hey, the "once a year" thing fits.  It isn't.  I don't mind not having any fanfare because I've always been so inconsistent and I'm not really into that.

There has been a lot of good stuff going on in my life lately.  I started college in January.  Took the plunge into higher education.  I am enjoying my education so far, but I'm finding myself climbing the fence on my area of study.  I can go into more detail of that later.  For now, I just want to encourage myself to do this blog thing on a regular basis.

Writing has always been important in my life.  The earliest I can remember writing becoming important to me is around the age of 10 or so.  In order to write, I must write.  Even if it is blah.  Faithful friends and readers (echo, echo-o, echo-o-o) - okay, I am strictly speaking to myself because I need a good talking to - I duly swear to become a consistent blogger.  It is what I'm going to call "my craft".  I may not be good or perfect at it, but it's what I love.  I also promise to participate in one free write thing a month.

I think this is so often why I "go away".  I get myself involved in too many memes and want to do everything there is to do, comment on every blog I enjoy reading.  I am not that person, by nature.  I need to limit myself on what I get involved in, as far as blogging goes.  I just hope that I don't keep finding excellent blogs to read.    I know I will have my select few that I always return to and comment on.

You may notice as time passes that my writing may become a little more organized.  It may make more sense.  It may flow the way it's supposed to.  Of course, that's what a college writing course will do.  I will be able to apply that, at least, in my life.