Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Another day...

At least it is supposed to warm up again. I was really hoping we were done with snow, but this weekend threw us for a loop, well, Monday did, anyhow.

Now that ER is gone, at least I have my Fringe back. Yay! I have a thing for Sci-fi. Last night's show was no disappointment. The chemistry between Josh Jackson & "Walter" is fabulous, love how the son is always censoring & curbing his dad! & Walter is so endearingly nuts. When I first started watching, I didn't like the woman who plays Olivia at all, but she has really grown on me & does a wonderful job with the character's indifferent emotional connection to just about everything. It works. Except on last night's show, she had an incredible bond with a feral "child".

I know it's been a while since I really blogged. I can't say that nothing has been going on because it has been quite eventful. Especially concerning 14. I know he's going through a buttload of weird changes he can't articulate, but why oh why does it have to be so hard on us, the parents? A few weekends ago, I actually told him to pack a bag & go. When he's had me in a headlock & is screaming how much he hates me over & over & over again, what's a mom to do? So, he did. It was 11:00 pm & he walked out the front door with a suitcase. I told him he couldn't go to the neighbor's (the only place I cold see him knocking on the door at that time) and spent the next 2 hours driving around, wondering if there really was somewhere eles he might have felt comfortable going to. I knew there wasn't.

I've left a good deal out (like how it all started because 14 was bothered by Princess Fluffy fart's talking to her toys and I refused to tell her to shut-up; & how I just told him over & over again to go to his room if it bothered him; & how as he walked to his room he called me a retard; & how I followed him to his room & smacked him 2 times upside the head - YES, because a 14 year old shouldn't ever call his mom names - EVER!!), but long story short, we ended up calling non-emergency & got an officer to the house (I told him all the nasty truths, even what I did). He was getting ready to leave to file a runaway report & he & my hub were going to search for 14 again, seperately. Mr. policeman flashed his light into the hub's car & the boy was sleeping (or appearing to sleep) in the back seat. Officer talked to him & 14 listened & agreed he had it good & seemed puzzled as to the circumstances becoming what they were at the time.

Fast forward 2 weeks. I am feeling apprehensive about parenting 14 because he really did put me in a headlock & now it seems eveytime I have any objection, he has no problem at all going toe to toe. If I get in his face to correct shit behavior, he seems okay with a chest bump to knock me back a bit. I expressed all of this to the hub & 14 WILL NOT mess with him. He'll talk & be a smart ass, but he would never chest bump. Unless they were messing around. Now, we both talk to the kid. I am super heated at first because I am just fed up. Fed up with the apprehension & doubt. Dont' get me wrong, I'm not so much afraid of him. I am afraid of what I might do if he did ever really retaliate. I could get out of a headlock, but could I forgive myself if he punched me & I punched him back? I don't think so.

After reading this, it seems there's much back story missing. He's my height & not a large kid. He has a hot temper once in a while, much moreso now that puberty finally hit. He is usually easy to forgive, but lately, he's been festering stuff. We all know what happens when you don't deal with the issues in your head. This kid is a very good kid aside from his mouth. He isn't an f-bomb kid, he just likes to argue & be right & talk back. His grades in school are the best since we've lived here and I am so proud of him for that - As, Bs & one C! He isn't out gallivanting, he's responsible for checking in with me on time, coming home on time & telling me where he's at, but mostly he stays home with us. So, how does a good kid go bad? Hormones.

Back to the fast forward...he was at it again & I was steaming. Dad came along to try & calm things down. Dad was talking calmly to the kid. Of course, I had to interject some of my 2 cents because the boy was reaming me - when I - his caretaker, who taught him what he knows, who gives so much of me to him, who loves the deepest without prejudice, without condition, who stands up for him, etc - and Dad told me to shut-up. What kind of message does that send to the kid? A bad one (don't worry, we worked that one out after). I know I was just fueling the fire with my words. He gets grounded for a solid month with nothing. We are believers in improving behavior deserving reward. So, even if one gets grounded here, if they show marked improvement, they get time off for good behavior. Not sure if that's a good working system, but I do know that it helps with keeping them all in line more often.

Grounded for a month & he has to tend to his pig-sty right now. He sin't supposed ot eat or drink in his room, yet there are pop cans & wrappers hidden in his desk drawers, under the bed, etc. Dad gives him an hour to make progress or WE are cleaning for him. Very little progress after one hour, so we take over, for a little while. Eventually, he cleans most of it. It took over 2 hours, even with our work (we had to stop because some things were just too much). All seems better with our world for a few days and he is an angel.

I did say a few days. He complains again about his little sister making too much noise ( this is about a week ago) and won't let up and he's constantly fighting with 8. I tell him, as usual, if he doesn't like it he can go in his room. He pitches a fit & we argue, no chest bumps, no scary behavior, just him yelling a lot. Shortly thereafter, I get a notebook slid out to me. Of course, I am thinking this is going to be a bash letter, telling me all the things I'm doing wrong because as he walked into his room, he told me he was the way he is because of me, I did/do too much for him (I kid you not, that's what he said). It isn't a bash letter at all but the extreme opposite. He told me things he wasn't comfortable verbalizing & that he knows how good I've been to him. He told me there was a kid at school harrassing him & a girl he didn't know how to ask out & that he's going through all these changes he deosn't understand & school is getting tougher, etc, etc. The letter made me cry & I went into his room & told him he wasn't going through any of it alone. We talked for a while & worked a lot of it out. I asked him why he hadn't told his dad about the kid harrassing him because Dad specifically asked him that question & 14 told me that I should know by now that he's not comfortable talking to his dad about stuff like that.

After all, it felt like a breakthrough. Things are quite back to normal & when the kid gets upset about something I've told him or asks me why I'm getting upset after he hasn't listened 3 times, I am back to explaining that I get tired of saying the same things over & over again. Normal because instead of throwing a fit, he calms down & seems to understand his place again.

4 comments:

Susie said...

Teenagers are such a nightmoare. I hope things go better soon:-)

careysue said...

No one told us it would be this hard did they! I'm right with you...but it is oh so worth it!

I share your love of sci-fi, only I find it hard to understand Fringe! Fill me in when you get a chance.

Coco said...

Kids are so hard. I know. I have two. I went through some bad stuff myself. Some day they grow up and leave. You hope anyway. Hopefully things will work itself out for you.

Dee from Downunder said...

Whew, what an ordeal! I dread the teenage years. Good to see 14 had a breakthrough though, life seems so hard to kids at that age. Has his dad talked to him about being physical with you? A little scary, chest bumping your mum is a bit too much testosterone flowing!

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