Sunday, October 5, 2008

So much, but so little

I've been contemplating a lot, lately. With a load of laundry needing folding, a hub awaiting a late night snack & the day of deep thought behind me, I type. This happens to me ever so often and I get down on myself. I believe there's more I can do.

Today was a fabulous day! We had a fun family dinner out. We spent all of this day together & life between us has been good for a long time. This weekend was blissful. No real arguments for a long time. No sadness or need. We've been there for each other. We've had intimacy (hard to come by with a houseful of kids). Why the doubt now?

I'm not sure where I want to take this. I need to take another journey, though. Away from what I am, now. There is a lot of explaining behind that, but I won't bore you with it. I'm not typically a depressive person, but is all this doubt indicative of that?

I keep going over something I said in an email I sent not long ago & it's so not me to be a whiner. It's not me to feel so unappreciated. It's not me to be so afraid. It's not me to look for self pity. That's where I am now. I think of things I've done & said these past few years. How comfortable this charade of not being true to who I am is. And it is very comfortable because it's easy. It is easy to stay away from most people so they can't look in. Why don't I want them to see? I don't really know.

I started trying to "help out" more financially. So far, I've lost more than I've gained. As fruitless as it's been, I still have hope that I can succeed. It's better to feel supported. That part I don't have. I mentioned, I've lost more than I've gotten. That's where Dock doesn't understand it takes time. A few months isn't enough time. I will persevere with this. I believe I have something to offer.

He busts his ass at work, puts in overtime. He is my blue collar Dock man - working on a loading dock. Loading & unloading, working in the elements. Sweaty hot & freezing cold. Coming home once in a while having sliced his arm or slipped into the space between the bay door & the trailer and coming away with a severely bruised shin. Hard working, big strength.

I owe him this. At the same time - he doesn't want my help. That says much to me. It says he loves my being here to take care of him & that's all he needs. It says that he is just as fearful as I am about my finding success. Will it help or hurt what we have? This comfort of my isolation. This comfort of me staying home all the time.

Little steps need to be taken. I have to decide how to change my course, slowly. I am not where I want to be, but I am. I am not doing all I can, but I am. It's time for my list of things to do.

1. Be a better mom. Take more time to really "be" with the kids. We're together all the time & it's become kind of mundane.

2. Make sure all my shit is done around the house. I have to clean my bedroom. The inner workings of my mind must be in there because it's a mess.

3. Believe in myself. Do the things I tell myself I'm going to. Stop making excuses. Stop being so mentally and emotionally lazy.

4. Balance my time. Somewhere in the last few months, my time is no longer mine. It belongs to everything else & nothing at all.

5. Get the fuck out of this funk. It sucks!



careysue said...


I have so been here, I do understand and I fight just what you're talking about just about every single day.

You are not alone. Please now that if that's any consolation.

Hang in there you are a great mom and wife I can tell believe me.

Your business will take off!!!!

Susie said...

I suffer from clinical depression and like careysue said, it is a daily struggle. Sometimes the depression wins and that's ok. Sometimes, you have to do the time in the funk and that's ok too. The trick is to not beat yourself up for taking the time because then, you just need more time. That's where the cycle of depression takes over.


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