Tuesday, July 19, 2011

RemembeRED - Beating a dead horse

This week's prompt asked us to write about a time that rhythm, or a lack thereof, played a role in your life. And don’t use the word “rhythm.”

I've been blogging about my issues lately, hence beating the dead horse.  If you've dropped by my blog, you've read about it all.   I apologize for it now.

I don't think I've ever felt so out of it.

I feel like there's so much to be done & there's nothing I can do about it.

And I know I can do something, it's the absolute lack of motivation to do it that is in my way.

I should be courageous & fight through it all.

That's not me, I give in to my weaknesses.  Especially the ones that involve pain.

This...pain...it's all consuming.

If you've had issues with your gall bladder, you know it.

In the morning, it sears through my middle asking for immediate attention.

Often times it doesn't wait for morning to scream at me.

Usually, if I had an attack, it was short lived.

It came & went by way of a single pain killer.

I'd go to bed at night & not have to think about it for a long time.

I started to learn what triggered an attack.  Most often avoiding these foods (everything I love).  Once in a while, I would eat without consulting my awareness.

Then I would pay.

Since last week (today is day 10),
it doesn't matter what I eat,
it doesn't matter if I don't eat,
it doesn't matter what I do, I hurt.

While taking the pain killers does eliminate the pain for a bit, it also lands in my head like a dead weight, crushing my brain.

I can't function with the pain, I can't function with the pain killers.

I sleep when I can
& do what I can - if & when I feel okay.

I feel like I'm a juggled ball, hanging above the world waiting to drop.  Once in the hand, I feel suffocated.  It's no win.

Add into the mix the children & their needs.  I do everything I can & attend to them.  They seem to be no worse for what I'm going through, with the exception of extra crabbiness.  I ask for a little bit extra from them & sometimes I get it. 

It's a phase in my life & it will be over soon.  The pain is lessened when I don't eat, sometimes.  I'm scheduled for surgery on the 2nd of August.  If I stick to a mostly liquid diet, including hot soup in 100 degree heat indexes (yeah, I'm all over that), I should live with little or no pain.  Hopefully, we can get that date moved up a week because I want my life back.  Sooner is better than later.  The bright side - a liquid diet will bring down my weight.  Yay for a sliver of positive!

The pain killers totally dampen my mind. I hate feeling like I don't think right & I hate knowing that I'm writing wrong.

I wrote about a lack of rhythm in my life.  It just so happens that this is an issue lately, no rhythm, no sense of control.  I don't know why I feel I need a disclaimer, but please don't apologize.  It's not your fault & everyone goes through their rough patches.  I just happen to be living one of mine through my blog.  For me, just getting it out is helpful.  I don't know that I've ever felt this out of sync with me.

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