Thursday, June 23, 2011

What it's all about

Many people say they started blogging & continue to do so in order to keep their sanity. It's therapeutic. I wholeheartedly agree, to a degree. I like being able to come here & express myself & issues with the kids & how they can really drive me nuts! That part is absolutely therapeutic, especially when someone comes along with a bit of their own experiences and then I feel like I'm not the only one.

The last few days have been a kind of hell here. & no, it's not the kids. In fact, since Summer break began, they have really been doing so much better than I expected & this year I forgot to state all the rules. I guess they just remembered. So, a huge thanks go out to them for being my wonderful, fabulous, ever loving brood!

What I don't see a lot of in this community is truth about the marriage. Maybe I haven't explored enough or gotten back into reading enough. I guess we're so into just dealing with everything else, we want to portray that the marriage is all good. (I'm thinking I have a lot more reading to do, but still) I feel the NEED to vent something. & I can do it without putting everything out there. (If any of you were around a few years ago, there was one blogger that had a huge following, but she did let the personal get way too personal. We found out things about her that we really should never have known.)

So, my time to vent.

When is it too much? I mean, we've been married for 17 years (almost) and, really almost all of it has been pretty darn good. It's those times when I decide complacency isn't enough. When I feel like I'm doing everything & nothing at all. I am certain some of this is me. I would be stupid to think it wasn't. It's going over the same issues time & again & never really resolving them. We get to a point where agreeing to disagree will work, for now. It's not going to. I need resolution. I need to feel like the right things were said & we can be truly happy, like I feel we are most of the time. Except, without resolution - how is it that we are truly happy? A catch 22.

& how, when we fight, argue or disagree is all of it my fault? Then I suggest it's conformity you need, well, sorry, marriage isn't about conforming to the ways of the spouse. It's about compromise (and we've both done that - tons & in many ways), it's about support (and we've both supported each other with many things - I just feel like the support I get is limited to financial, not emotional), it's about kindness & appreciation (while we both strive to appreciate, it seems it's lacking in some areas). In most other parts of the marriage, things are almost always awesome - it's just this one area that seems like it shouldn't be as significant a deal breaker as it is with him. It's so stupid, too!!! There are a couple other rough spots, but this one is the frequent thing.

Why is it so hard to come to a resolution? Grrrr! This is how I feel right now. This is how I've been feeling for the last few days. And this is one of those times where I imagine escape. See, it's not the kids that make me want to run away. They could never build this much frustration in me. Maybe they could, but they don't.

A song that reflects what I feel (and I probably won't feel this way tomorrow, just sayin'):

(Not that I want to say goodbye to him, I love him incredibly, it's the turning of the tables I don't need every time we argue, and the silent treatment)

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